Tiffy Talks Movies and Love!
Hello Tootsies!
Tiffy is back, and GAWD, my life is scary and exciting like that mine-car scene in the second Indiana Jones (I love me some Harrison Ford!) movie with all the heart rippng out and poor children, and that whinny blonde Kate Capshaw, who sings “Anything Goes” in Chinese. Listen I give her kudos for learning that….but, hell, if I got paid big bucks like that I’d learn to whistle “Surrey with the Fringe on Top” out of my asshole. And, to top it all off…she later married her director, Steven Spielberg! As that song goes “Nice Work if You Can Get It.” I bet Karen Allen was super pissed off when she wasn’t asked to do the sequel, and then found out that her replacement became married to the richest director of all time! And Cate did nothing but whine and scream in the movie….yeah, her heart was almost torn out, but I bet Nancy Allen would have spit in the heart ripper’s face. Oops, did I say Nancy Allen? I meant, Karen….but I always get those names confused.
Now, Nancy Allen, played that mean girl in CARRIE with Sissy Spacestick, you know the one with the crazy mother and the pig blood! Poor Carrie didn’t even know that Aunt Flo was coming for a visit. Hell, she didn’t even know she had an Aunt Flo! I prefer the term: “Strawberry Week,” or even “The Communists are in the Funhouse.” I mean if I was Carrie, I would have come home from school, and just I just zapped the hell out of her….and thrown her in that damn closet with that statue of the creepy Jesus with the light-up eyes. I mean where to hell do you buy something like that?! Cuz I’m sure Walmart doesn’t carry it along with the Easter decorations! I mean I’d tell her off, “Listen you bitch! Why didn’t you tell me about ‘Lady Time?’ I mean what kind of sexually repressed nutcase are you? And stop pulling you hair and slapping yourself while I’m talking. I’m gonna go the prom with Tommy Ross…..yeah, I know his hair is prettier than mine, and the dress isn’t red, it’s pink. Are you colorblind? I’m going to the prom and then I’m packing up my bags and going to audition for ‘America’s Got Talent!’ and before you know it, I’ll be playing in Vegas, opening for Celine Dion!”
And guess what? Just like Cate “I Won’t East Monkey Brains” Capshaw, Nancy Allen married her director….who just happened to be Brian Di Palma, who cast her in several of his movies as well. I tell you, when I was younger….I shoulda gone to Hollywood…I was a pretty good little actress at our community theatre. But to go to Hollywood…it’s all about who you know…. And I didn’t know anyone in Hollywood, except this weird kid from high school named Joey Mankin. We called him “Joey Mannequin.” He had this ability to not move a muscle with his eyes opened for several minutes at a time. He worked as a street performer as one of those “living statues. Anyhow, he eventually went to Hollywood and made a nice living playing corpses. Oh, come on….when they have a scene in a morgue and they pull out a body from the file cabinet….that’s a real person, not some special effect! Anyways Joey got to be so popular that they stopped using him because people started recognizing him. In fact, when people see him on the street, they get weirded out and they don’t know why. One woman even screamed and fainted. Naturally, he had some trouble dating because of this….but he found a nice gal who is into necrophilia….so everyone’s happy….I guess, unless she wants to do a three-way?! I guess she really gets off on Halloween!
I know…I know…I’ve been avoiding talking about Dandy’s arrival at my house while I was under influence of Dino’s super special “I shouldn’t have eaten the whole thing!” brownie. Oh, kids…it was strange and stupid and so embarrassing and so wonderful! I think I have a boyfriend, kids! Yes, me….this old, jaded stripper and erotic entertainer. I’m actually going steading with somebody! I thought it was all over for me, kids…I thought life (and love) passed me by! And his name is….
….MORRIS APPLEGATE!
