She-Bitch Lizzie is Back and She is Miffed!
I’M BACK! Back from my exile, imposed upon me by those mutinous “boys in assless chaps,” with whom I cohabitate So…..QUIVER AND QUAKE, OH MY MINIONS! LIZZIE, SHE-BITCH OF CATHEDRAL CITY! (near the border of Rancho Mirage)…sometimes, my sweet ones I say that I live in the Rancho Mirage area, but that sounds rather hoity toity. ENOUGH! I AM BACK! BACK TO SAVE YOU FROM THOSE PSEUDO EROTIC RAMBLINGS OF MY FAIRY GODMOTHER TIFFY! I mean, I love her and all, but she does need to change her medication! Where was I? Oh, yes (clears throat)…QUIVER AND QUAKE, OH MY MINIONS, FOR LIZZIE, SHE-BITCH OF THE RANCHO MIRAGE AREA IS EXTREMELY MIFFED!
(Light and Sound Cue: Lightning Flash and Thunder!)
YIP! I TOLD YOU TO CHARGE THAT SOUND CUE; I CANNOT TOLERATE THE SOUND OF THUNDER! IT GETS ON MY SIX TEATS! OH, you have an alternative sound effect? Really? Ok, let me take it from my last line.
QUIVER AND QUAKE, OH MY MINIONS, FOR LIZZIE, SHE-BITCH OF THE RANCHO MIRAGE AREA IS EXTREMELY MIFFED!
(Light and Sound Cue: Lightning Flash and Cow Mooing!)
AUGH! NEVER MIND! NEVER MIND! I’M DEALING WITH MORONS HERE! LET’S MOVE ON…
Ok, yes my stir-fried esoterica, I am miffed! We are already two weeks into the remodel of the master bathroom….and the noise and dust and confusion!…..Augh, it’s enough to drive any bitch insane, let alone one as charismatic, all-encompassing and majestic as I. I’M A CHAMPION FOR GOSH SAKES! All during this time, I have been banished from my usual abode for my beauty sleep (although I hardly need it!!) under the bed in the master bedroom. Plastic drop cloths (cloth? But they’re plastic! Never mind!) And dust everywhere in the room. I hardly know where to rest my eyes! Alack/Alas, I wind up sleeping in the hallway! The hallway on the hard, unyielding tile floor! Yes, my simple ones! Treated like any mortal dog! HORRORS!
Perhaps, my chaste caste, the nightmare might eventually lead to a higher aesthetic in the making. But, NO! From what mind did these Hieronymus Bosch decorative choices erupt? Ye Gods, I call it “1990’s ‘Tom of Finland’ Bathhouse by IKEA!” The shower looks as though it’s the back of a meat packing truck! And the paint colors they are considering…do people actually sit down and compose the names of paint colors, such as “Nurturing,” “Rejuvenation,” and “Cottage Hill?” THEY ARE ALL MEDIUM GREEN FOR FUCKS SAKE! WHAT SHERWIN-WILLIAMS FALSE IDOLOTRY IS THIS?!?
Alack/Alas, I must remember that I deign to live with Michael and Tim, those Nice Boys in Assless Chaps, and they have been blessed (or cursed) with the decorating gene. And, I, oh my blessed baguettes, like all unfortunate canines can only perceive a limited spectrum of colors. Ah, the shame, the grotesque irony, that I, yes I, the epitome of grace, class, and unnerving sophistication acknowledge my weakness to you, my puffy pieholes.
But tomorrow, I shall have my revenge, for it is “Weigh-In Day!” and Michael is on the “Halloween Candy Diet,” whilst (don’t you just love that word, my luminous lackies?)…whilst I have been nearly starved to death. My secret plan is to also take a huge dump prior to weighing in. – I trick I learned from Daddy Michael!!
HAHAHA! Vengeance shall be mine! AND THOSE WHO OPPOSE AND THWART ME SHALL PAY FOR THEIR DISRESPECT AND ARROGANCE. AND I SHALL REIGN SUPREME!!!
(Light and Sound Cue: Lightning Flash and Theme from THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW)
“Who can turn the world on with her smile? Who can take a nothing day, and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile? Well it's you, and you should know it…”
AUGH! MORONS! I’LL BE IN MY TRAILER! AND GET ME A LATTE’!
