Tiffy's Urine Stained Halloween and Cleopatra...

Hiya Toots!

Tiffy here. And my gawd, can you believe Halloween is almost here! Remember when the idea of dealing with this fucking pandemic through June….just the idea made ya wanna heave? And here we are still alive and kicking. So some applause here, and an extra shimmy from Tif! Oops, sorry, I knocked over my coffee cup! I got mixed feelings about Halloween, I mean I love the candy and all….but the wearing the costume, augh! I never got a new costume! I always had to wear last year’s hand-me-down costume from my hateful, older snooty sister, Ruby. I mean I knew we was poor and we couldn’t afford to buy two costumes each year. But do you think, Ruby ever said to me “Hey! You pick out the costume this time, since you’ll be wearing it next year?” Oh, no….she always got to pick it out every year…and do you think that maybe she’d change her costume idea from year to year?! On, NO! She always picked out a fairy princess costume EVERY year! I mean, she coulda wore her costume from last year….but, NO! She had to have a new costume every Halloween….and I had to wear her stained costume from last year. And you know why it was stained? Because Ruby always wore her costume to bed on Halloween night…and SHE WAS A HABITUAL BEDWETTER! Yes, I HAD to wear that costume!!! I was a defiled fairy!! And even when I had my growth spurt, and me and ruby were the same size….SHE STILL GOT TO WEAR THE NEW COSTUME! MY GAWD…every time I use a public toilet, I think of Halloween.

Oh, and our resident drama queen, my god pup She-Bitch Lizzie gave me a call this morning. Ya know, she can drop all the titles…to me she’ll away be just plain “Lizzie,” that kooky canine from Kentucky. But then she got older and she kept saying “I was named after Elizabeth Taylor.” And I said “yeah, she’s a fat bitch too!” No, no, I didn’t! I worship Elizabeth Taylor; I always got White Diamonds for Christmas. My favorite movie is Cleopatra….ya know, I don’t really get all the history stuff. But apparently Cleo had a fling with Old Rex Harrison/Jules Caesar…and they even had a kid together. But he got bumped off. And then Mark Anthony/Richard Burton came to visit. And, boy, did she put out a spread for him! Things like hummingbird tongues! Ya know how many hummingbirds you’d have to catch to even get one appetizer?! Well, after she’s wined and dined him, she does the old F&F, ya know “Feed ‘em and Fuck ‘em.” After that it gets fuzzy for me…I think the Romans get pissed off at Richard Burton, and then a war starts…and I kinda lose interest until he kills himself, and then Cleo kills herself by getting bitten by a snake.! Oh, Gawd! I hate snakes! OOOH! That snake scene in Indiana Jones, I am not ashamed to say that I wet myself….like Ruby, except I was awake at the time! But Liz Taylor, she’s a goddess….and then immediately after being so gorgeous in Cleopatra, she plays some drink old tart in Virginia Woolf! She was a mean drunk! Poor Richard Burton….his character in the movie, I mean! But then you really felt sorry for her at the end…that Liz Taylor, she’s something all right.

So anyways, I get a call from Lizzie, my god pup, and…ya know she doesn’t call me for months, no emails, no texts….oh, wait…yeah, on my birthday, she texts me “Happy Birthday.” And I thinking, why you uncaring bitch…you couldn’t bother to call or even send a nice little email….god forbid you’d send a card – I might have a stroke if that happened – oh, NO, I GET A TEXT?! AND IT’S PROBABLY AN AUTOMATIC THING ON YOUR PHONE, YOU HEARTLESS, UNGRATEFUL OVER-THE HILL BITCH!!

So anyways, I get a call from Lizzie, and she’s totally hysterical because the remodelers are using a power chisel on the bathroom concrete….and the noise is driving her crazy, but not to worry, that she’ll “endure the torture.” Lord, she does love the play the martyr. She just went on and on….vowing eternal damnation and vengeance on those that oppose her. I mean….get a grip, girl. I said, “There are some folks out there that don’t have a pot to piss in, and you’re bitching because those nice gay boys in ass-less chaps are giving you a new bathroom? And the only time you ever call me is when you’re in trouble. Well maybe next year on my birthday, I might get something from you BESIDES A FUCKING TEXT!!” Because if you keep calling me, I’m gonna expect maybe one of those cookie bouquets, but NOT THE FRUIT ONE! Cause the fruit goes bad before you can eat it all! Or at the least, a birthday card and some flowers, and NOT CHEAP CARNATIONS! ROSES!! Because, dammit, life has been giving me carnations all the time and from here on out, I’M NOT GOING TO SETTLE FOR ANYTHING BUT ROSES!!!

So, Lizzie sends her best.

P.S. I am trying to work on my anger issues, sorry.