Love Finds Tiffy!
Hiya Tootsies! Tiffy the Temptress (that’s my stripper name) is back! Queen Bitch Lizzie (or whatever she calls herself these days) is otherwise engaged, apparently having a nervous breakdown or something. She calls me up all frantic and hysterical because the demolishers are there ripping out the old bathroom, and she’s not able to get her beauty sleep or somethin’. I mean, I love my god pup but sometime ya just wanna slap her. So melodramatic! Just give her a turban cuz she acts like Gloria Fucking Swanson. That’s a joke from that movie SOAPDISH; I love me some Sally Field. She can do anything plus she has osteoporosis! But Lizzie, jeez…so I said to her, “Listen you silly bitch, you wanted that damn new bathroom so you could cool you saggy tits on the tile floor, so don’t come complaining to me, you pampered pooch! The pity train doesn’t stop here. This station is called ‘I Don’t Give a Fuck’ So, get a grip!” I mean I love her and all, but sometimes you just have to call her out on her bullshit! Or in her case, would it be “dogshit?”
Anyhow, I am so happy, that I can’t even….oh, hell…let me start from the beginning. I went over to Dandy’s Baked Goods just fuming, stomping all the way; I think I even snarled at a nun! I mean I was furious at Dandy for lying to me and telling me a muffin was an unfrosted cupcake all this time….probably laughing at me behind my back. I mean, I was starting to cry. Why was I crying?! And I finally got there, and there was Dandy smiling at me and saying “Let’s me guess. One unfrosted chocolate cupcake?” and I said “Don’t you mean a chocolate muffin, you DEVIOUS PRICK?! Some nice joke on the old broad, eh? Goddammit! You..YOU..YOU,,,!” And then the floodgates opened and I started bawling like a baby! And before I could choke out another word, Dandy got all hurt and sad. He said that when he gave his muffin to me it became a cupcake, cuz he always thought I was a “cute cupcake.” Well, I was stunned, and couldn’t say anything. And OH GAWD! I looked a mess…I mean I was wearing house slippers! HOUSE SLIPPERS!
I always wanted some man to say something sweet like that to me…I mean, let’s face it. In my line of work, this nicest thing you hear is “You got great tits” or “You were worth every cent.” So I just stood there WEARING MY FUCKING HOUSE SLIPPERS! stunned, and I took the muffin….but it was more than a muffin….our love had made it into a “cupcake.” And when he passed it to me, our fingers touched, and we stayed like that for what seems like forever. And I hear with quiet little murmur…
…“P…E…N…I…S…
Oh, my GAWD! I had completely forgotten that I had dragged Sharon along with me to the shop! Well, the intimate moment that me and Dandy shared was over. So I kinda tried to break the tension by laughing and saying “I hope a muffin isn’t more expensive than a cupcake.” And he said the CUPCAKE!!! was on the house!!!
I left the shop on a cloud of confectioner’s sugar….me and Sharon. I mean what Sharon said was totally inappropriate, but I couldn’t be mad. And I gotta admit it’s nice that she’s regaining her speech, but so far her entire vocabulary is “Just eat it” and “penis!” I sure hope she isn’t developing Tourette’s! I’m not being a smart ass…I’m worried for her. I’ve been thinking it might not be a bad idea for Sharon to move in with me. I’d be less expensive than her snotty nurse, and I work at night when Sharon’s asleep. But anyway Sharon and I were walking to the drug store to pick up my high pressure medicine…and the sun was shining down on us…and I nibbled on Dandy’s cupcake. And the world didn’t seem to be able to get any better….and I heard Sharon murmur very low in her throat…
… “L…O…V…E…”
Nope, it’s definitely not Tourette’s.
“…LOVE PENIS! JUST EAT IT!”
Oh, Sharon…
