Tiffy's Back with the Moon and the Stars

Yes, I know….I know….it’s been a few days since my last communication! But when I tell you everything, you’ll give the old broad a break. But first a thank you to Michael….you know he’s one of those nice guys in assless chaps. And he’s so nice letting me post on his blog. Speaking of, your ungrateful bitches….would it kill you to leave a nice comment or at least a lucking like on Facebook? Now some of you have…that sweet old tart, Marina Mac is my biggest fan, and vice versa. Her mother taught her well….class, all the way. And some of you have been responsive as well…..but HOLY FUCK, I’m starting to hear I have quite a following! So, leave a comment of something. If you do, I promise to light a candle for you. Yes, I still go the Mass AND Confession! I love going to confession, because I purposely make up more sins than I’ve committed just to shock Father Burns…..he always give out a big gasp, and then we’ll start laughing and will say “TIffy, is that you?….it’s a sin to lie to a priest during a confession.” And then we’ll both laugh and I’d do my usual penance…I give him a quick handjob. JOKING!! Wow, some of you people are so easy to fool, or you really think I’m that much of a tramp. I’d never do anything like that to a priest…a rabbi maybe…JOKING AGAIN! I could do this all day!

But anyhow, Michael – I swear he’s looking nicely preserved for his age – anyhow, he’s still in the middle of having his bathroom remodelled, so him and the hubby are sleeping (and doing other stuff) in that walk-in closet they call a guestroom. Maybe two more weeks of hell, he says.

BUT OH MY GAWD! Remember a few nights ago….Sharon’s first night here…..and Dino gave me that special brownie….and I ate the whole thing! Damn Dino…when I found out it was a pot brownie….OH, I could have popped him so hard his mama would have felt it. He apologized, and said that he thought I knew what type of brownie it was. And I said to him…..”Listen you stupid gorgeous piece of ass, I know all about grass! I’ve smoked my share of “REEFER” as we called in the olden days. But don’t ever, EVER give me marijuana is a baked good, especially CHOCOLATE! DON’T YOU KNOW THAT I CAN’T RESIST CHOCOLATE!! Well, he got upset, and looked like he was ready to cry. Stupid puss! And that’s when the doorbell rang, with the arrival of the Chinese food (or so I assumed), but it really turned out to be…

DANDY!

Oh, GAWD! I could see him clearly in the peephole! So, now I got Sharon sleeping in my bedroom, Dino really to cry in my kitchen, and my – PLEASE GOD LET IT ME HIM – possible secret admirer outside my door! And what about me? I look like CRAP! I mean, I’m just wearing an old slip with a torn hem, torn pantyhose…and my hair! MY HAIR! I hadn’t been able to arrange an appointment to have my extensions put it…after that hateful sow, Regina pulled them out! I Mean, WHAT WOULD BETTE DAVIS DO?!!

So I grab, Dino and tell him to answer the door, while I race to my bedroom to do some damage repair. My hair, MY HAIR! Bette Davis would probably have some bejeweled satin turban handy, but then I saw something that might work in a bind, and slapped it on my head. Now, please remember I was stoned from that damn special brownie….so I wasn’t thinking especially clear. And now, a robe or something to wear. And yeah, Bette would probably have some fabulous floor length silk dressing gown trimmed in mink. I don’t have anything like that, but then I remember Sharon brought home a bathrobe from the hospital. And now just some shoes….and a grabbed the first pair I found. I look in the mirror, and everything’s a little blurry, but I guess I look presentable.

I can hear Dino and Dandy chatting in the living room….and I have no idea what I’m going to say…what would Bette say? “Fasten your seat belts, it going to be a bumpy night?” “What a dump?” No, NO! Since the message with the last cupcake was a line from NOW VOYAGER, then I should say a line from that movie, and see if I get any reaction from Dandy! So, I’m walking down the hall, and I can barely hear their voices over the pounding of my heart! I mean this could be one of the most important moments of my life, and I want everything to be perfect! I have to be a strong and classy as Bette Davis!

So I make my entrance….according to Dino I was quite a sight wearing mismatched shoes, a pale green hospital down, and a white rubber bathing cap with sunflowers on the side. I paused and then walked to the window, in my backless hospital gown, exposing my big fat derriere to Dandy. I flung open the curtains and looked out and said, “Don’t let’s ask for the moon. We have the stars!”