Tiffy Gets Tough!

Hiya sweet cheeks. It’s me Tiffany again...subbing again for today for She-Bitch Lizzie. I tell ya...that kooky canine. You’d think that her life is one big misery, when she’s really landed in one big tub of butter! Living with those two nice Gay boys in their ass-less chaps. I mean what does she do all day, except eat and shed...and contemplate human sacrifice and revenge against her enemies? Ever hear the phrase “suffering in mink?” She’s like a Bette Davis in NOW VOYAGER...I mean Bette had a real “See You Next Tuesday” for a mother...but she got a makeover and she inherited all her family’s money. Pretty sweet deal, poor little rich girl. I mean when you’re scraping by saving quarters for beer....giving hand jobs in public parks. I mean, I know struggle....believe me. And Bette is being all noble, talking about the moon and the stars while living in her mansion and having parties and cooking hotdogs in her huge fireplace?! I mean, when I have hotdogs, I’m sitting at home watching HOARDERS (it makes me feel better about my housekeeping skills!)...and I mean, I’m not wearing a full evening gown while entertaining friends acting like hotdogs are haute cuisine...acting all sad because I’m tricking with some married man! I mean WHO THE FUCK DOES SHE THINK SHE IS? I SHOULD HAVE HER PROBLEMS!!

Damn, I love Bette Davis movies.

So sweet cakes, if you’re looking for sympathy from me...you just gonna get a good, healthy dose of reality and tough love. Like with my friend, Dino...he’s an actor...Not anyone famous, but he gets by....he’s got a little trust fund set up by his great-aunt three times removed or something like that. So he’s sitting sweet. And he comes to me complaining that the theaters are all closed and he’s stuck at home. Now I love my Dino, he’s one of my best friends, but sometimes you just wanna smack him upside of the head and say, “Shut the fuck up already!”

My philosophy is that you can’t depend on others to make you happy. Cuz if you do, then it’s really not your happiness. Me? It’s like when I was working the midnight show at the Twisted Kitty, and that massive ball of yarn rolled over my foot. I got three broken toes...couldn’t work cuz I couldn’t wear my stilettos! Did I sit and home moping and complaining and feeling sorry for myself? Fuck no! I told myself “Tiffy, ya gotta be ready to go to work....stretch those gams, work on some new routines, repair your pasties...otherwise, you’re gonna be one sorry stripper when the time comes.”

I told Dino, “Get off your ass, you sorry fag!”- I can call him that cuz we’re friends, but don’t you try with him otherwise he’ll hand you your ass on a plate! I said, “Listen, you, ya gotta be ready when this shitty pandemic is done....work on some monologues, learn some new songs, work on a one-man show. The world isn’t ending....but if you aren’t careful, life is gonna pass you by and you’ll be wondering what the fuck happened! Get off your cute bubble butt (he does squats!) and stop feeling sorry for yourself Cuz I ain’t gonna feel sorry for you! Cuz the pity train doesn’t stop here....SO GET A GRIP! LIFE AIN’T SOME GODDAM BETTE DAVIS MOVIE!!”

Sorry about that....I told you I got some anger issues, but I get so mad seeing people I care about wanting to give up! Look at me, I’m some long-past-her prime Vegas showgirl and pole dancer with a bum knee and a hearing aid...but once the clubs reopen, I’m still gonna wow them on the floor. Just give me some dim lights and pink lighting gels, and I’m fucking “Younger than Springtime,” and if I can keep on going and believing, then you can too! Right? Damn straight.