The Esoteric Enema of Ennui

Hello Bitches!

Alas/Alack! I am sorely grieved, my sweet minions! Tis I, your most supreme succubus, Lizzie the Corgi! Dismay and shame rain heavily upon my house like molten lead. To what greater power must I subjugate myself to relieve myself of this madness…this cornucopia of despair…this esoteric enema of ennui? Oh, my pups and puptresses, gather round and hear my tale of woe! The court physician has decreed that both I and my unworthy toady, daddy slave must forego the temptations of the palate and…dare I utter the word? Like Ulysses, plug up your ears with wax, if you must!* We must…DIE….I Mean DIET! Alas/Alack!

(Cue: Thunder Clap and Lightening Flash)

YIP!! Stop that! You know how thunder unnerves me and shatters my psyche! Can we please find another sound effect?! Must I do everything myself? How can I court my muse when I find myself surrounded by incompetents!?

Speaking of incompetents…speak slave daddy! How it is that we both have come to this unpleasant existence…this Chekhovian hell…the mire of misbegotten malaise? Speak! For I know the responsibility rests with thee, thou pathetic paraphraser…thou …thou…actor/director/singer! Speak, fool!

Oh, my Ever-Shedding Shiva….my queen…forgive…forgive. The both of us - for we linked in misery - have overindulged ourselves. The ever bountiful and devious refrigerator has tempted us with its siren call. And now, oh great and fragrant one, we have paid the ultimate price.

LIES! For well you know, I am only allotted my portions according to thy whims! Thou…thou, midnight snacker, I know well of thy dietary transgressions. Coffee awash with Coffee mate Funfetti White Cake Flavored Non-Dairy Creamer! Hidden Valley Ranch dressing…in EVERY dish? I mean, who can forget the infamous ranch dressing vodka martini?! You have destroyed me….alack/alas! Heavy is the head which wears the crown. (Actually, it’s not so much my head that’s heavy as it is my backside!) What excuse dost thou have for bringing us to this desolation?!

Oh, my great…and I hope….ever forgiving Queen, my Peerless Pooch, my Heavenly Haven of Halitosis…It’s been too hot to exercise much, and everyone gains a little weight from inactivity. Plus, we are living during a pandemic! And, in my case, I’m sure it’s just a little water weight gain!

LIES AGAIN! Thou - Oh, hell, enough with the Old English vocabulary, it’s exhausting! Don’t think I didn’t see you open that SECOND 40 ounce bottle of Hidden Valley Ranch Dressing! Once I witnessed that, I knew some culinary abominations were being planned…what’s next? Ranch Dressing Cheesecake?! What do you say to that, you cavernous repository of highly processed carbohydrates?!

I stand accused and guilty…mercy…mercy! But, come to think of it, Ranch Dressing Cheesecake sounds very interesting!

Your try my patience, you impertinent bit of dryer lint….you “never-the-bride!” What the hell are we going to do about this!? Speak, you hirsute and pungent hack! Speak, Perpetual Nominee!

Ouch, that was hitting below the belt. Cold, very cold. Well, my Dearest Dominatrix, my Queen of Duplicitous Doo-Doo….we have no choice. Alack/Alas! Let not your side-eye glance turn me to stone, but we must join forces in this great quest, oh my Highness of Hiccups!

Oh, weary is my soul, I must yield to the will of the gods. Oh, how the greatest has fallen. To this end, I must submit myself. But no more Ranch Dressing Smoothies!! And can we please do something about that wretched thunder sound effect?! Idiots! I’m surrounded by idiots! My sweet minions, pray for me. Only your love and adoration will see me through this torture. Come, daddy slave…it’s time for a nap for I sense my nemesis, Margaret the Roomba is firing her engines….and I just HATE her! Grrrr!!

(To Be Continued)

*I have been informed by my Second-in-Command, Mommy Tim, that many of my cultural and historic references may elude the uniformed. Like Cassandra, my sweet ones, I am cursed to never be understood. To the ill-informed and poorly educated, I offer this divine guidance….What am I, Wikipedia? Google, it bitches. Grrr!!!