She-Bitch Lizzie Seeks Supernatural Assistance

Pray with me, oh my wretched ones….

Blessed St. Tiffinnia “Tiffany” De Barkus, Patron Saint of Corgis, both Cardigan and Pembroke, hear this wretched plea from your rmost unworthy servant! Alas/Alack, my world has crumbled to dust. Oh, Noble Sacred Lady of Supreme Bitching, let not my entreaties fall on deaf and wax filled ears! Hear me, my great one. Yea, I have allowed foolish pride and cookie crumbs to draw me off the chosen path. Forgive, forgive your most caffeinated supplicant, your unworthy Lizzie of Cathedral City. Only your intervention can save me from my tormentors!

Hear me Guardian of the ominous and ever-mysterious Closet of Pleasure and Pain, repository of DentaStix and Nail Clippers. Spin your great and terrible wheel of chance to show me my fate. I throw myself prostrate before you, and beseech thee with my song of lamentation! A-rooooo! A-roooooooo! Lunacy has descended upon my house again....like tormenting gnats at whom I snap and eat. My powers begin to wan in this onslaught of chaotic madness. ‘‘Tis bedlam here, oh peerless and ever-sneezing mistress of bitchiness. Bedlam, I say! My delicate psyche is shredded like unguarded toilet-paper. Even my most faithful companion, Mr. Pink Fluffy Bunny, offers no solace to me. His squeaks cannot amuse me, nor can they lift the dark veil of horror and betrayal which has consumed this house! A-roooo! A-roooo! A-rooooo! What?! What?! Stop with the racket already! Jeez, ya call me on the phone up early in the morning and howl in my ear? Even without my hearing aid, I still heard ya...and I’m deaf as a fence post. And cheese the “saint” and “divine crap”...it’s me, your fairy bubbe, and I’m alive and well in Skokie and not beyond the Rainbow Bridge. Thank goodness, I still got my health...not that you care...I could be roadkill for all you care....you never call or write, and the only time I hear from you is when you need a favor. The lord should strike me dead. I got such ungrateful grandpups. Thank god, you fairy sabba isn’t alive to see this. Alright, already! So wassup, sweet cakes? Ya got your tookus all outta joint. Over what? A freakin’ bath and a diet? Oh, you always were the drama queen. Everything’s gotta be so dramatic with you. Never mind about anyone else’s feelings. You’re like a hyperactive Norma Desmond! Get a grip! Stop flapping your snout, and listen for once...will, ya? Ok, so here’s what I can do....I can’t help you with your diet, tootsie. I am powerless against men that wear ass-less chaps. Yea, I know that’s redundant; all chaps are ass-less. But that’s how I was raised and you can’t teach an old dog...yada, yada, yada. So your just gonna have to handle that yourself. Use those acting chops...flash those Bette Davis eyes....ya, know, BEG! Then give them a little lap action! You’ll wear them down eventually. Hey, remember I was a showgirl in Vegas...I know how to get the treats. Make it rain, babe! But with the bath thingy, I can help. I’m sending over a new bathroom vanity to your house today. Listen to me...don’t roll those eyes at me, toots....I’ll smack you so hard your tail will grow back. So, I’ll send the vanity to your human underlings....they’ll like it so much, they’ll decide to remodel the bathroom. Believe, I was in show business, I know...Gay men love to redecorate and remodel. Especially ones that wear chaps! Hey, I left off the “ass,” I learned a new trick! So, anyway, you’ll be safe for a few weeks, and by then you have figured something out. In the meantime, you’ll have plenty of time for call your poor fairy bubbe....I mean it certainly would hurt to call. I could be dead in my condo for all you know. If you mother were here instead of Miami...she’s give you what for. You sister, Bootsie, calls me every day. She was always the good bitch. But never mind, I can live without love in my life....god knows, I know I don’t have that many years left...and after all I’ve done for you - Thank you oh blessed one....I really need to answer the door. I’m expecting a package. Bye! Rejoice, oh my sweet minions....Rejoice! Our deliverance is at hand! Our prayers have been answered, oh my soggy simpletons, dutiful droppings. I am rejuvenated! My powers return! Bow to me, my followers, and listen to my vengeance against my oppressors! None shall be spared my wrath!! Ah-ha-hahaha-HaHaHa-HAHAHAHAHAHA! (Clue: Thunderclap and Lightening Flash) YIP!!! I told you to stop with the thunder; it gets on my tits! Amateurs! Amateurs! I working with amateurs here! Jeez! And WHERE’S MY LATTE?!?!