Mistress Lizzie is Back, Bitches!

Hello Bitches!

‘Mistress Lizzie is back on the airwaves! Is the internet airwaves? Whatever! I’m a dog, what do I care?! Ah-haha! Actually, I’m a bitch…but I’m YOUR bitch, all you wonderful people out there in the dark. Because, my admirers, it has been decided that I will continue on writing this Blog. What a word! Blog! It sounds like Daddy when I ball gag him. Right, slave? (tug, tug)*

“Blog, blog…” (whimper)

Enough, you…non-awarded actor/director!

(whimper)

Yes, where was I before I was so brazenly interrupted? Yes, I am your BITCH! And I love you all! And I’ll be reaching out there to you….and you will back send tummy rubs, and ear scratches…really, anywhere on my body….I’m one big hypersensitive erogenous zone! Aaaaaaaah! (Except between my toes; I hate that. Don’t do that, please.) Yes, even Mommy agrees that I should continue writing this blog, while Daddy types it poorly. In fact Mommy is on my side….she found an error…so slave Daddy must be punished.

This afternoon, you…you…bad boy, you. You will put out the Halloween decorations! What say, you…you professionally trained, yet unemployed director? I’ll deign to let you speak.

“Oh, please mistress...( (tug, tug)*….I mean Mistress! There’s no theatre happening anywhere in the world…besides I am supposed to direct CAT ON A HOT TIN ROOF next season at Desert Theatreworks (DTW)…oh, if it happens…it’s been so long since I was in rehearsal….I feel like a has-been.”

Not my problem…you…midnight snacker. Yes, I’ve seen you cheating on your diet! No wonder you’re not losing weight. And you’re putting ME on a diet? Besides, how can you be a “has-been” when you were a “never-were?!” Yes, I know …your secret shame…DTW won the most Desert Star Awards this year, but none of them were for your production!! HAHAHAHA! (ala Kimberly Ann Guilfoyle).

(Cue Sound: Thunderclap and Lighting)**

“Oh, but Mistress! I have so many projects scheduled for next season. And I’m re-memorizing that one-character play, BARRYMORE I performed years ago in Chicago. I know I’ll perform it somewhere. I got good reviews for that. Theatre will come back…I know it will!”

I certainly hope so. I’ve grown bored of having you under my paws all the time. (That’s a metaphor….I’m so short that nobody could literally be under my paws.) Where was I? I grow weary of seeing you mope around the house, sighing and throwing yourself across fainting coaches like Camille. (Note to self: What exactly is a fainting couch?) You need to get out of my sight and back in rehearsal! Now about those Halloween decorations, you…you…you over-the-hill leading man?

“Yes, Mistress. But we don’t really have treat-or-treaters here in our gated community. Really, EVERYONE is old in Palm Springs…and they get older as you travel to Rancho Mirage. Oh, why bother? I’m practically one of the youngest people in our community….and I’m over 60! It might as well be Sun City! Sure, I might be sexually objectified, yes…but I can’t tell if it’s because they like me….or because they have cataracts!

Enough, you…PERPETUAL NOMINEE!!!

(whimper)

To the Halloween decorations!!! And Make Them FESTIVE!!!

*The physical action of Lizzie tugging on her My Pretty Pony leash on Daddy’s leather collar.

**Note from Lizzie: Actually, I hate thunder; I hide behind the furniture. But it was needed for effect.