Fairy Bubbe Tiffany Speaks Her Mind

Hiya Tootsies, It’s me. Fairy Bubbe Tiffany subbing for She-Bitch Lizzie, or Her Magnificence, or Supreme Wearer of Best Blouse, you really never know with her. I love her….but let’s just say that she has some unresolved issues. And she does love to go on and on and about the smallest things. And the whining?! Don’t ya just hate that? Having to listen to somebody complaining all the time? Like my sister, Ruby…oh, she was always the perfect one….she could get away with murder….and would she even come home for her mother’s funeral? Oh, no! Not Her! No, she had to work at her new job, and they certainly couldn’t afford to have her take one day off! And I was, “Listen Bitch, you can take one day away from stocking shelves at THE CONTAINER STORE!! I MEAN THE NERVE OF HER…and going on and on about those damn BRATS of hers! Always pointing out how lucky I am to not have children. The NERVE! THAT CU- no, I won’t say it! Because, despite my rotten childhood, and rather questionable career path, I consider myself to be lady.

Where was I? Oh, yeah….people that just go on and on….thank god, I’m not like that. But, key kids, I had it rough…..my philosophy is “Don’t expect anything from people, and you’ll never be disappointed.” Cuz, ya know what? I depend on ME! And anything else I get out of life is just frosting on the cake. Just make sure ya enjoy the cake!!

Cake! Gawd! Yesterday, me and my friend, Sharon…we’re just walking around. Sharon doesn’t get out much because of that real bad stroke she had. I mean, she looks great….She doesn’t look like she’s had a stroke….I mean, her face isn’t that one-side thing……oh, you know what I mean. She looks real good, but she can’t talk…and considering her kids never see her….ya know? Oh, yeah, they paid for a nurse to come for a few hours, just to make sure she doesn’t fall. Whatever. I’ll say no more….except they could stop their busy little lives and see the woman that bore them. Oh, what an awful pun! Bore? Get it?

So Sharon and I were following our normal route, and we always stop in Dandy’s Baked Goods. I always like to stop in a say good morning to Dandy (after all these years he still has a pompadour!), and he always sells me one unfrosted chocolate cupcake. And these cupcakes are big…as big as a baby’s head! But there was this new kid there behind the counter. When I asked him, he said Dandy wasn’t feeling well this morning, and that he (the kid) normally worked in the evenings. Well, I was real disappointed; I really like seeing Dandy each morning. So I told him that I’ll take my usual unfrosted chocolate cupcake please. And he says we don’t have any chocolate cupcakes…..and I told him that sure he did….that they were right in the front case….and I pointed them out to him. And he said that those were chocolate muffins…and I said that they look like cupcakes to me. And he kinda laughs and says he’ll sell it to me anyway, but he has to ring it up as a muffin. And I said, “The hell you will! Dandy always sells me an extra-large unfrosted chocolate cupcake and that’s what I’m buying, ya hear me? I mean I was doing $100 blowjobs when you weren’t glimmer in your Daddy’s eye…So don’t TELL ME IT’S A MUFFIN. BECAUSE DANDY WOULN’T LIE TO ME ALL THESE YEARS!!!"

And suddenly it got real quiet. I was breathing heavy and the kid looked gray….and, as God is my witness, may he strike me dead if I’m lying. It was real low but I heard Sharon murmur, “Just eat it.” And then she’s looking at me straight in the eye, and she laughed. Real low. And I started laughing and crying and hugging, Oh, I must have looked like some crazy…some crazy….mascara running, ya know?! Sharon was awake! But when I broke away from the hug, she was gone again. The same blank expression. But I knew she was still in there somewhere….somewhere!

And I took a huge breath, and I swear it was like I was vomiting out every regret…every time I told myself I wasn’t good enough. Every lost opportunity and hope…..and I just screamed out “SO WHERE’S MY FUCKING CHOCOLATE MUFFIN!!!???

Hey, a rose by any other name….right?

P.S. I have some anger issues.