A Hairy Situation

Hello My Lovelies! I didn’t have a clue about what I was going to write this morning. But the weather was lovely and the temperature was cool, so I decided to ride my bike around the neighborhood for an hour. I circled around my gated community – sounds very Upson Downs from MAME. And, if you don’t understand that cinematic/Gay allusion, then shame on you! (Watch the movie immediately; Rosalind Russell is pure comedic genius!) Normally, I’d hop on an elliptical trainer at my gym and burn calories while futzing around on my iPad and gawking at the muscular eye-candy (and contemplating my physical shortcomings)! Damn, I miss my gym!

Any-hoo, I donned my Marina Mac hoodie* and took off, hoping for a bolt of inspiration! Now, who is Marina Mac (aka Timothy McIntosh)? Only the fiercest drag performer in the Coachella Valley (Her performance of Pennywise from the move IT is pretty terrifying!)…and Marina/Timothy is one of the best (if not THE best) makeup artists around! Out of drag, Timothy is a sweetheart and super cute….and if you ever see pics of him when was he in the USMC….RAWR! I also think Timothy makes up about 50% of my blog readers! So, “HELLO! HON!”

Anyway....Timothy was live on Facebook (applying his drag make-up with the skill of a Pre-Raphaelite painter, and the speed of a hyperactive hamster). And he mentioned that my blog was an enjoyable read since it wasn’t “self-righteous” (let’s wait til after the presidential election, shall we?) and that is was about “life” (I don’t know about that….maybe about MY life…but if my neurotic and poorly edited ramblings bring any of you joy, then my work here is done).

But what IS my life, and who AM I? Every time, I think I’ve figured out who I am…well, something comes along (like this damn pandemic!) and I have to adjust to it. All my little quirks are all neatly organized, but then I make a quick inventory and realize that I’ve evolved…and I have to do another personal fung shui ….and so on…and so on. Evolution (like Math) is HARD! And it’s unavoidable!

I suppose the only element that remains constant in my life, ever since puberty mugged me with a baseball bat (I was 6’2” when I was 12, and had a full moustache when I was 14!)…is…MY BODY HAIR! To say, I’m hairy….well, that’s an understatement…..I’m “Robin Williams” hairy! I mean, back, shoulders, chest, everywhere! It wasn’t too much of an issue when I lived in Louisiana, but when I “came out” and moved Chicago, I became rather self-conscious about it. This was during the AIDS epidemic in the late 1980’s, and everyone was striving for the Scott Madsen (Soloflex Model) look! Completely hairless! I suppose because it projected an impression of health and cleanliness (which was a prized asset) during those troubling times.

I remember going to the beach in my speedo (see prior blog entry, HELLO MARK SPITZ for additional insight), and hearing murmurs directed towards me of “Gorilla” or “Sasquatch.” Young Gays can be so cruel. I suppose I could have launched into an aggressive routine of hair removal…..but, come on. We are talking jungle growth here. Waxing (I’d go into shock). Nair? (I doesn’t come in gallon containers). Shaving (Impossible to maintain….I mean I have to schedule clipping my fingernails on my Google calendar….and my toenails? I could shuffle cards with them). And you have to remember, this was before the bear movement began.

So, there I was (and here I still am) hairy as a “pardon the pun” bear! I have to confess, that I have shaved my back once because I was bare-chested onstage – the director said my back was its own character! And I did a full back/chest shave when I played Edna in HAIRSPRAY – and I actually saw a slight suggestion of a two-pack! It was an interesting experience, but I’ve come to accept that my body hair is a predominant part of my identity. Yes, it does hide any (fleeting) muscular definition I might have, but it does make my chest look bigger (and it’s cheaper than having pec implants)! And, the hubby loves it. Now, if I could only get the hair on my head to maintain its fullness! Oh, testosterone, you devil, you!

What can I say? I’m sure that everyone has something about themselves that they wish they could change - hell, I’ve been going through a mid-life crisis for the last 20 years! – But those odd quirks make us who we are. They are vital in defining our identities. Our friends and families love us because they are part of the total package of our uniqueness. Change what bothers you, if it makes you happy, but be careful that you don’t bow to conformity simply because the world thinks you’re different. Fly your freak flag high!