A Bitchy Conversation

Lizzie: Hey Daddy, where the hell is the rest of my food?

Me: Now Lizzie, we just had a check-up, and the vet said you need to use about five pounds….that’s about 20% of your current body weight. So, we have to reduce the amount of food you eat.

Lizzie: You and your percentages. And what do you mean “we “had a check-up? I had a check –up…although you probably could lose about 30 pounds…how much would that be?

Me: Hold on, let me use a calculator…..ok, I would only have to lose about 13% of my current bodyweight. I’m not as bad as you….but, yes, I do need to lose some weight. I am on a diet, you know.

Lizzie: Oh, yeah….I’ve been noticing what you’ve been eating lately. What’s the name of this diet? The “Tater-Tot and Martini” Diet? And you never give me a sip of your martini or any crumbs. Thank goodness, you are a sloppy eater! If it wasn’t for the food you drop all over the house, I’d starve!

Me: Yes, yes. I’ve been bad….and I have been giving you treats…too many in fact. That’s why we both need to drop some weight. It’s getting harder for you to shimmy under the bed at night. But now that the weather is beginning to cool, I can walk you not only in the morning, but in the afternoon as well. You like going for walks….you get to meet all your friends, especially you boyfriends.

Lizzie: Who them? They’re just boys that happen to be friends. They want more, but I always tell them, “no, no, no!” I am a lady after all! Just some butt sniffing, and that’s all. But, yes, I do love taking walks with you. Everyone says that I’m very beautiful….and corgis are becoming quite popular now. Nobody ever says things like I’m a “vertically challenged Shetland sheepdog” any more. That was insulting.

Me: I know! Corgis are becoming very popular, especially since “The Crown.” You know those dogs make a lot of money being in that series. You might want to earn your keep here a bit more.

Lizzie: Listen, I competed in dog shows when I was young. I won my blue ribbons, and earned my championship status, I even had some puppies which are now competing. Of course, those ungrateful brats never call. They never write. Have I ever gotten flowers on Mothers’ Day? And, their father…I’d have to look at my kennel papers to remember his name.

Me: Slut!

Lizzie: It was more like a blind date with benefits. Just a “wham, bam, thank you ma’am!” And before you know it, my tits are dragging on the ground, and I’m popping out pups. But as I was saying….I’m retired from all that canine craziness now. I just turned 12….I’m practically, Miss Daisy! So be more respectful to your elders.

Me: You are a spoiled, silly old bitch, ya know that! But I love you in spite of your quirks.

Lizzie: Oh, Daddy….you are the best daddy in the whole world. You’re so handsome and smart and talented….and I love taking walks with you and helping you run lines.

Me: Yes, but you hate putting on your harness.

Lizzie: I’m not like you. I don’t enjoy wearing all those restrictive items like you do. I notice you have quite a collection of leather gear in your closet. It would be a shame if anyone found out about it!

Me: Lizzie, that’s blackmail!

Lizzie: Yes…I know.

Me: Ok, what do you want?

Lizzie: How about a few more kibbles in my dog bowl.

Me: Ok, but no more fattening treats. Only low calories things like celery or carrots.

Lizzie: Well…

Me: And we’ll also take afternoon walks starting today. Deal?

Lizzie: Deal.

Me: (Heavy Sigh!)

Lizzie: Just remember…I’m the ALPHA BITCH!

(Tim Enters)

Tim: Excuse Me?!